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Content warning:depression and sex mention

MINECRAFT

Yeah I'm talking about MINECRAFT today. Notepad++ has taken the very first time that I said MINECRAFT and has decided that this is the way it needs to be spelt, so for the remainder of my time writing blog updates in notepad++, we will be refering to this game as MINECRAFT.
I've not been doing much interesting this past week. I lost a wisdom fang, which has been giving me issues... All year. I'm glad it's gone but really, really this should have been fixed a very long time ago. I mean, this is what life is like for poor people. It sucks. I envision a better, nicer world, where people can get healed when they have ailments, but I don't really want to talk about that right now.

No, I said I was going to talk about MINECRAFT. But, uh, before that...

I made a new friend!

I mean, they're not really new - they're someone who has been poking around my stream for a bit and I always enjoy interacting with them on fedi, so I already sorta knew them. But most people I interact with on the internet just sort of ends in the same way - a little conversation on fedi, a little favourite at the end, and we continue with our days. I used to make a lot of efforts to reach out, but over the years that effort has dwindled as it's just never really gone anywhere. It's no ones fault, no one owes me anything - I just guess that, in the past I might have been a little bit more confident - or better at FEIGNING confidence - and that allowed me to put a bunch of effort into getting to know people. As depression has really, severely taken hold in recent years, I sorta gave up. In doing so, I think I've also become a lot less interesting. Maybe thats not true, but its typically how I feel about myself... I can feel myself going around in circles here, so I'll just say that I was super surprised when they reached out to me and wanted to chill out. I was really surprised, to be honest, and very very happy.

And that's exactly what we did! We didn't even make plans to do so at a later date(although that would have been fine) - we just played MINECRAFT together there and then and chilled the fuck out. It was so nice! They made me and lulu feel very welcome, and said some really positive things about us both. I was very flattered honestly, and it put me in a really good mood - it's been so long since someone actually showed interest in being friends with me. Infact, they seemed super interested in the things I did which really surprised me, and they themselves were super talented and showed off some really cool stuff. Drawings, outfits, music - it was super cool. Me and lulu were very excited to talk to someone new, and they taught us both so much about MINECRAFT, a game thats always been a little bit of a mystery to me.

We spent pretty much all day chatting and building shit together, and I'm probably going to play some more later tonight! I'm looking forwards to sharing here some of the things I end up building in the future. We enabled the day counter on the server that keeps track of the amount of days that have passed in-game, and decided we would have milestones - for day 100, we took a picture together! It's pretty cringe, but also really really cool! I think I will treasure this - the three of us look so cool together!


I've been trying to draw a little more recently, as I've been coming to the realisation that to create the things I want to create, or to just do the things I want to do in life, I will need at least some sort of artistic ability. I feel like I used to be a pretty ok artist but, honestly I'm starting to doubt myself. Everytime I put pen to paper (metaphorically, I do digital art), it just comes out like some awful chicken scratch. It sucks. I can't even draw good construction lines anymore. I need to start from the literal basics again - but I don't know where to start or how to do that. Draw... flowers? Still life? I don't know. I need to keep working at it, but I'm very demotivated. Maybe tomorrow.

Japanese learning still is going nowhere. I haven't learnt any structure, words, anything. Maybe... tomorrow. I feel like I've been telling myself that for years.

But the fact that I've made time for this blog post is a positive thing. I'll try not to let go of that. No matter what levels of despair I may experience, I have done something. I am still here. I am still me. (Although, I don't feel particulary like myself right now.)

One more thing I wanted to note here before I wrap up, is that I came to a realisation sometime earlier this week, that throughout my life, sex has never been a good experience for me. Sex has been an issue for me for a long time, and while I'm able to say the sexy things when I want to (if you follow me on fedi, I'm sure you've seen me pining over guilmons dick or something like that), when it comes down to actually... expressing myself in a sexual way, my body and mind tries to clam up. It's hard for me to talk about, so maybe I'll write about it some other time, but I just wanted to record those feelings here while they were in my head. It's never really been a positive experience for me. I've had bad experiences for sure, but also just in general. It's always been something I felt I HAD to do. I HAD to be interested in. I mean, the rest of the world is, so I gotta fall in line, right? I clearly need to work through some things. I need a therapist, i guess. I want to express myself more when it comes to sex, kinks, fetishes. Because at the moment, I feel like... Just nothing.

That's all I have on the topic anyway, and all I have for this blog post! It went from positive to negative, but I think being able to be in tune with my own feelings is always positive. So... If you reached this far, thank you for reading, the fact that SOMEONE might be reading something I created always gives me the last little push I need every thursday to go through with update day. So, whereever and whoever you are, you're cool as fuck. And of course, as always.

Stay cool, like a swimming pool♥